on my mind: life.

posted on: Thursday, 17 January 2013

over the past few months, my life seemed to get pretty interesting. i was making an effort to 'get up, have fun' and it was making my life more exciting, but towards the end of 2012, my life just got busy. and repetitive. and i feel like i began to lose the blogging mojo i started out with.
i wanted to start a blog to document my life. what i did in my "gap year" and how i grew as a person. i've always struggled with feeling worthy, and i wanted therosyfreckle to be somewhere that i could let it out, have somewhere to let stuff out, a place to put things that inspired me, or things that i liked or aspired to have. i feel that so far, i have done that, recently more sharing things i like rather than what's on my mind. mostly because my life got monotonous again. the days would pass by and i'd be looking at interior design websites and looking at other peoples photographs and enjoying their work, but not creating my own. i started dwelling on what my life was becoming - minuscule.
but for the last months of 2012, i made a conscious effort to look for a church. to find somewhere that was friendly and warm and full of people of a variety of ages. mostly, i just wanted to find somewhere i felt at home. somewhere i felt comfortable. somewhere i felt myself. and knowing me, that's no easy feat. i'm shy and anxious and i worry about what other people think of me. it made going to a church for the first time alone incredibly daunting. i was trying to pluck up the courage to go to two local churches, but every saturday night i'd chicken out and tell myself i'd go next week. then, one saturday night i googled 'churches in liverpool' and came across the diocese of liverpool website listing all the churches in the diocese.
i opened a few that caught my eye in separate tabs and began to flick through them. i came across one that wasn't anything special, not as many pictures as the others, nothing fancy. but it felt like somewhere i wanted to be. it was open, friendly and welcoming. 'how can you get all that from a website' one might ask, but i guess it just spoke to me. the next day, i decided to go. the service time was perfect, late afternoon, but not too late that i'd be too tired to go. the feeling i had walking up the path was something i've never felt before. i work myself up when it comes to social situations, i fear the worst, and i anticipated the nerves to rush over me and riddle me with fear. but they didn't. yes, i was still nervous. but at the same time, i felt like i was being cuddled, taken care of. as i walked to the door, i was greeted and taken inside, every person i was introduced to was so friendly and welcoming, they didn't quiz me about my faith, they just asked my name and if i came from liverpool. the service was good. it was interesting and i actually sang out loud, like, i didn't mouth the words, i sang them. i felt happy. afterwards, i was invited to have tea and teacakes. people talked to me, chatting and getting to know me, and i went home relieved. relieved i had done it, i had gone alone and i had stayed. i had talked to people and made conversation, i didn't let the anxiety overwhelm my fulfilment. and i went home and told my mum all about it. and for the first time in probably ever, i couldn't wait until the following sunday.
this sunday was probably better. the people were still friendly, they asked how my week had been, and i got on really well with a girl who was also new to the church. the service was probably the best part, though. i've never had the experience of being truly touched by a sermon, but i really felt something. it made me realise that the decision to try out this church really was right and it's where i'm meant to be.
it's funny really, now that i've found church, work has started to get better. because i'm happier in myself, i've started to be less shy and more positive about work. i've always been grateful, but i've never enjoyed work. it bored me and my mind wasn't stimulated. but i started focusing on what i could do to pass the time - organise clothes, not only in my section, but also in the main shop - and it's made work so much more bearable. i've started coming out of my shell and i'm not afraid to get involved in a conversation in the staff room. of course, it's never going to be amazingly interesting, and i'm never going to be able to bug a customer into buying a top they're not really sure about, but i'm utilising my skills and doing something useful with the time.
now, all i need is to start my course - more pestering the college on the phone, then. honestly, i can't get a straight answer out of anyone, they just don't seem to care. but i'm not letting it stress me out or ruin this positive vibe i've got going recently. i'm handling it, i will have phoned pretty much every day this week by tomorrow and i will not give up til i have got my timetable and i'm in a classroom studying photography like i planned last year.
things will work out, even if it's not according to my plan, it'll be according to the right plan.


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