things i learned from having green hair.

when i'm in the shower, i write blog posts in my head. some of them are essays, most of them never come to anything. but they help me process life. reciting to myself an event or a thought process explains things to me. last night, i was washing my hair with medicated shampoo for the third time when my 'internal essay' began. 99% of the time, i never think of them again, or i forget what i had thought but i really wanted to write these thoughts down.

hashtag pro photoshop skillz. i'm new and i wanted them to have a white background sorry not sorry 

on wednesday, i dyed my hair alpine green. i went to town with a couple of friends and picked out the colour i wanted to dye my gold/auburn hair and went home and did it. when i was younger, i always used to say "when i'm older i want to dye my hair electric blue, but...". "but", that three letter word can cause so much damage or create so much opportunity. in my case, it took many many years to create an opportunity.
i can remember seeing a total of three people with an unusual dye when i was younger. and i always remember the episode of tracy beaker where she tries to dye her hair in the dumping ground bathroom and it ends up green and it's the breaking point of the episode. i like to think of myself having an artist's mind. i like being creative and hate anything maths or science related. i like the freedom to create my own answer, to neither be right or wrong, to see reason in the outcomes of others. i don't like fitting things into a square. i am very much a round peg and it only took me nineteen years to stop being jammed into a square hole.
during my three days of being a hair rebel, i have learned a few life lessons about being a round peg in a world made to fit into a square hole. i've learned that not everyone will think that having a hair colour that isn't natural is cool. i've learned that when you'd normally be smiled at in the street, you're now looked at with a crinkled nose and raised eyebrows. i've learned that even people closest to you will see you differently, will look down on you and judge you even though you are the same person you were thirty minutes ago. they will voice their opinion despite you not wanting to know it, because after all, how they feel trumps how you, the person who grows the hair, feels.
personally, i don't think i suit the green hair. i loved the idea of dying my hair; alpine green, lagoon blue, lavender, peach. but in reality, i don't like on my hair. it just looks dirty. and having alpine green hair means i can't wear my favourite scarf. but the fact there are people who think i'm a bad person, up to mischief, just because i have green hair, make me want to keep it. i am generalising them about generalising me; they can be close minded, they can be judgemental, and they can be rude.
maybe it's not only the fact i'm artsy, maybe it's also because i'm introverted. i've come to realise this week how introverted i am. people (i included) think that if you are not shy, you are not introverted. but it goes much deeper than that. i don't talk a lot, not about important stuff, not about the things that go on in my brain. i wish i was eloquent, i wish i could have deep, meaningful conversations with people about what i think and what i believe and vocalise my feelings; i see people discussing real things, and i want to do that, i want friendships that are full of philosophy and theology, but i can't do it. as hard as i try, i can't create the opportunity, i can't get the words out. it's like i have a brain stutter, it's in my brain, being sent to my mouth, but my mouth rejects it; "no anna, keep that inside your head." maybe the extroverted people voice their opinions, don't care about how their opinions make me feel. who knows. i don't want to put anyone into a box they don't fit into.
while scrubbing medicated shampoo into my hair for the fourth time, i decided to give up trying to get alpine green out of my hair. i wanted to dye my hair, so i did. i wanted to experiment with how i look and i wanted to experiment with ideas i've had since childhood. there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. trying something and living with the results is a lesson. these are the lessons i want to go to, the lessons i want to turn up five minutes early for. the lessons i used to skive and play sick for for too many years, fearing what the lesson would be, fearing doing.
lessons can open our eyes, create opportunity, and flush "but"'s down the toilet. so, even though my shower is dyed green, there is still dye running down the drain after the fourth wash and i have to go to church with alpine green tinged hair, i am happy. i'm proud of myself for turning up for the lesson and taking notes, for passing the test and chiselling the square hole i've been jammed into out into the roundest round circle you've ever seen.