life is outside your door.

last tuesday, i saw city & colour live. it's something i've wanted for years, but for some reason, i've always been too late to buy tickets. as soon as his uk/europe 2014 tour was announced, i bought tickets, i didn't ask who wanted to come, i just bought two and decided to figure it out later.
it was magical. it was everything i wanted it to be and more. he may have outgrown a small academy venue, but he still had the ability to silence a room with his voice.
2010-2012 were the hardest years of my short life and while it was happening, i felt like the whole world was crashing on top of me and i'd never be able to get out. looking back on it i never really understood how bad my anxiety & paranoia were. i'd ignore attacks as me being stupid. i'd constantly be worried and reverted back to being a five year old, not being able to go anywhere without someone.
thankfully, i'm so much better now. my anxiety is still there, but it's nowhere near as severe as it was. i'm hardly having panic attacks anymore, in the past few months i've had under five. i hate talking about it & i'm so glad i'm not riddled with anxiety when i'm about to go somewhere; i still get a bit nervous and my stomach is full of butterflies, but it doesn't stop me from doing most things.
this year, i want to do more. i want to go to places and see things and be with people (but not for too long at one time). this summer i want to go to a couple of places and hopefully i'll be able to save up to go. i'm excited for 2014, the year i'm going to ignore my anxiety and walk out of the door.

recently: mop chop + blank.

i love jake with short hair (well, i guess in his case it's fur, but it looks like hair) and my favourite time of year is definitely haircut time (for him, not me). after hinting about booking him in at the kennel to have a number two, he finally went today, and boy does he look better (like a rat/mutt), smell better and he's even better to cuddle now (no allergies from the long fur).

my february on film is going pretty well. i'm planning to do weekly recaps so my blog doesn't become no man's land. which, you know, it seems to have become. lately i've been so busy with church stuff and life stuff, and if i'm honest, i've not even thought about therosyfreckle. i've been so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people over the past month and my diary has been pretty much full since the start of january.

a few days ago, i started one of my "brain fart" posts, where i just open up a new post and typed (like i've started to do here) and i ended up talking about some of the bible verses that have really helped me and struck a chord with me over the past year or so. i nearly posted it, but something held me back. i know that this is my place to let it all out, but i also don't want people to be uncomfortable with things that i post. i want to be open and honest and being openly honest, my faith is a huge part of who i am. i try so hard every day to live my life as a disciple.
i am going to post the blog post, but i'm going to have it as a jump cut post so you don't have to read it. i don't want to bash people over the head with a bible, but i'd love people to feel the grace and peace that i get from knowing and loving jesus. (seriously, when i was "too cool" to talk about my faith, i thought people who said that were weirdos, but being able to see others feel that sense of peace is amazing) i want the post on my blog so that it is there for people to read. i am going to put it out there, and you can do with it what you want.

see you tomorrow!

♡

p.s one of my favourite things is hearing from people who read my blog. 99% of the time, i will reply to your comment - even though blogger doesn't let you know when someone replies to a comment you make - so if you leave a comment, make sure to check back to see my reply!

yesterday.

yesterday, i didn't post simply because i was too tired, and my feet hurt and i just wanted to not be sat infront of harsh lighting after spending all day under it. i'm in work pretty much all week this week. monday i wasn't, because i was already busy, but i was in for 3 hours on tuesday - which, yes, isn't that bad, but it was a long three hours - yesterday i was in for seven and a half, today i was in for four, and will be in for four hours tomorrow.
most of the time, i can deal with work. i know it's only one day a week and that it won't be forever, but then when i'm in for more than my normal hours, something clicks in me and reminds me that i have no clue what i want to do with my life and what if this is it, what if this is my one and only job forever and i have to do it until i die and i can't cope anymore and blah.
yep, that was my head last night and i just couldn't muster up anything to talk about on therosyfreckle. and i never want this blog to be a chore, something i feel like i have to do. sure, i'd love to be able to say 'i blogged every weekday of 2013' but in all honesty, it's not going to happen. my life isn't that exciting and i can't just pull posts up from out of the blue. (the end of that sentence was rephrased before printing).
so instead, i got home, had my tea, ran a bath, drank some hot tea and read oh comely (for the first time, it's fabulous. and it was only like £4!) before i read some bible verses and went to sleep.
this morning i also plucked up the courage to take my cv into a cafe, it was scary and nerve wraking, but i did it and i'm proud of myself.
tomorrow is going to be a whole boat load of new events; i'm going to be having my first piano lesson in a decade (which makes me feel so old, ugh) and i'm going to an event at the church i've being going to (which i have been loving, and i've been forcing myself to go to all the events and get myself involved and not let myself be the shy person in the corner that never speaks to anyone, yep).

i hope you're all having a fabulous week. the snow has pretty much all melted where i live, boo, but i'm getting excited for summer and freckles and warm fingers and toes.

on my mind: life.

over the past few months, my life seemed to get pretty interesting. i was making an effort to 'get up, have fun' and it was making my life more exciting, but towards the end of 2012, my life just got busy. and repetitive. and i feel like i began to lose the blogging mojo i started out with.
i wanted to start a blog to document my life. what i did in my "gap year" and how i grew as a person. i've always struggled with feeling worthy, and i wanted therosyfreckle to be somewhere that i could let it out, have somewhere to let stuff out, a place to put things that inspired me, or things that i liked or aspired to have. i feel that so far, i have done that, recently more sharing things i like rather than what's on my mind. mostly because my life got monotonous again. the days would pass by and i'd be looking at interior design websites and looking at other peoples photographs and enjoying their work, but not creating my own. i started dwelling on what my life was becoming - minuscule.
but for the last months of 2012, i made a conscious effort to look for a church. to find somewhere that was friendly and warm and full of people of a variety of ages. mostly, i just wanted to find somewhere i felt at home. somewhere i felt comfortable. somewhere i felt myself. and knowing me, that's no easy feat. i'm shy and anxious and i worry about what other people think of me. it made going to a church for the first time alone incredibly daunting. i was trying to pluck up the courage to go to two local churches, but every saturday night i'd chicken out and tell myself i'd go next week. then, one saturday night i googled 'churches in liverpool' and came across the diocese of liverpool website listing all the churches in the diocese.
i opened a few that caught my eye in separate tabs and began to flick through them. i came across one that wasn't anything special, not as many pictures as the others, nothing fancy. but it felt like somewhere i wanted to be. it was open, friendly and welcoming. 'how can you get all that from a website' one might ask, but i guess it just spoke to me. the next day, i decided to go. the service time was perfect, late afternoon, but not too late that i'd be too tired to go. the feeling i had walking up the path was something i've never felt before. i work myself up when it comes to social situations, i fear the worst, and i anticipated the nerves to rush over me and riddle me with fear. but they didn't. yes, i was still nervous. but at the same time, i felt like i was being cuddled, taken care of. as i walked to the door, i was greeted and taken inside, every person i was introduced to was so friendly and welcoming, they didn't quiz me about my faith, they just asked my name and if i came from liverpool. the service was good. it was interesting and i actually sang out loud, like, i didn't mouth the words, i sang them. i felt happy. afterwards, i was invited to have tea and teacakes. people talked to me, chatting and getting to know me, and i went home relieved. relieved i had done it, i had gone alone and i had stayed. i had talked to people and made conversation, i didn't let the anxiety overwhelm my fulfilment. and i went home and told my mum all about it. and for the first time in probably ever, i couldn't wait until the following sunday.
this sunday was probably better. the people were still friendly, they asked how my week had been, and i got on really well with a girl who was also new to the church. the service was probably the best part, though. i've never had the experience of being truly touched by a sermon, but i really felt something. it made me realise that the decision to try out this church really was right and it's where i'm meant to be.
it's funny really, now that i've found church, work has started to get better. because i'm happier in myself, i've started to be less shy and more positive about work. i've always been grateful, but i've never enjoyed work. it bored me and my mind wasn't stimulated. but i started focusing on what i could do to pass the time - organise clothes, not only in my section, but also in the main shop - and it's made work so much more bearable. i've started coming out of my shell and i'm not afraid to get involved in a conversation in the staff room. of course, it's never going to be amazingly interesting, and i'm never going to be able to bug a customer into buying a top they're not really sure about, but i'm utilising my skills and doing something useful with the time.
now, all i need is to start my course - more pestering the college on the phone, then. honestly, i can't get a straight answer out of anyone, they just don't seem to care. but i'm not letting it stress me out or ruin this positive vibe i've got going recently. i'm handling it, i will have phoned pretty much every day this week by tomorrow and i will not give up til i have got my timetable and i'm in a classroom studying photography like i planned last year.
things will work out, even if it's not according to my plan, it'll be according to the right plan.

♡

busy lizzie.

this week has been so busy for me; i've been in town by 930 every morning but getting home by three each day, meaning i've been able to blog every day, but today (and tomorrow) i wasn't home until half past eight. after i've washed my hair, i'm going to schedule a blog post for tomorrow (at six like normal). it won't be anything extravagant, just sharing a few things - aka what this blog is for - but i apologise for not posting anything substantial today.

i've been in town all week doing training towards a new job. the training doesn't guaruntee the job - which i thought it did - but should give me a better chance of getting it. we normally finish between two and half two, so i walked into town with a few friends i've made then wandered around with one of them. after she'd gone home, i went into starbucks, ordered a venti gingerbread latte and sat in the corner with my ipod in a started reading life of pi. i had to work from four til eight, so off i went.

when i got home, i curled up on the couch for a while and then made tea (quorn green thai curry with pepper, onion and spinach) then had a conversation with my mum about religion stemmed from the whole gay marriage in churches thing that's going on over here (yay!).

so, i'm sorry if this post isn't interesting and is rambly (and a pretty much downright boring description of my day), but this blog is to document my life, and today has now been documented as a 'busy lizzie day', which it was.

how's your week been? 

♡

p.s i'm so excited for a lie in on saturday!!!!

addictive.

seriously, i spent hours last night and like two hours today glued to this thing making different tunes and patterns and it's so fun. and when you're done, you just pressed your space bar and it ends it like 'baaaaaam'!

really, if you have like a gazillion hours to waste, open this in a new tab.

♡ 

i'm going to be a student again!!

if you read my post 'the flick of a switch' you know about my situation this year and my plans for next/the future. anyway, today i had an interview to get on a photography btec course in the local college, so i left work and went up there. we were taken up to the room where they were going to give us a talk and then individually interview us. i'm so used to being the youngest in education settings; being born in august, but today i was the second oldest - there was also a middle aged man - and literally everyone - bar the man, of course - was with their mum. seriously, i have never felt so old in my life. 

anyway, i ended up going last because everyone else seemed to need to be somewhere (and i didn't mind being away from work for longer ;)) and the woman asked me what i was doing this year - seeing that i was 18 - and when i told her i only had a little part time job, she asked if i'd be interested in doing the level 2 btec, starting 'like now' and then go on to level 3 (which i applied for) in september like planned. honestly, i didn't even think about the fact i'd have a join a class that is already full of friendship groups, i just went for it. we decided that i'd start at the beginning of january, being a new term and all that, and she said that she'd help me to catch up with the two units i've missed.

she said my portfolio - aka a scrap book from paperchase and a description of each image next to it - was really good and she showed it to another teacher, that had come into the room about halfway through my interview. they both seemed really excited for me to be starting and the head of level 2 said she would email me with all the details. 

i think the fact i don't mind having to join a class later in the year and have to fit in with readymade friendship groups really shows how much i've changed in the past few months. really, i know i will be nervous the night before my first day, but the fact i'm not worrying about it, or even that it's not stopped me - which it would have not even six months ago - proves how i'm starting to slowly get over my anxiety, even if it does still knock me to the ground sometimes.

you don't even understand how grateful i am that everything is finally falling into place and it's proved to me that determination and persistance will get you there in the end if you want it enough. 

what's something that's made your week brighter?

♡

p.s yes, i know, another dog photo, but seriously, the fact it looks like a swaddled babies body and then a dog's head makes me howl. he's the best.  

the flick of a switch.

it's crazy really, how fast life can change. towards the end of october, i really hit a down point; i hated my job, i was spending 99% of my time alone inside, and all my hopes for the future seemed to be dwindling away.

fast forward to today, and my outlook could really not be any different. on wednesday, i went on a course that teaches you how to apply for jobs and write a excellent cv - yes, i too thought it would be a huge waste of time and i wasn't exactly raring to go at half seven on wednesday morning - but alas, i was proved wrong, and i found the course incredibly helpful and learned so many things you wouldn't even think about when applying for jobs (did you know 30% of people get jobs by phoning up companies personally and asking for jobs that aren't advertised?). something as simple as a day long course made me realise that i didn't have to be unhappy - i have heard countless people say 'only do what you love', yet have never heard them explain how to do that, apart from 'work hard' - and that there were so many opportunities and supportive organisations that can help you and open the gate to new paths that didn't involve working in retail.

yesterday really was the day that made my future look brighter; i attended an apprenticeship fair - basically a room full of companies that offer apprenticeships and you go and sign up for any you're interested in - which, if i'm honest, was 99% 'admin, childcare, hospitality' focused. but, there was one stand, for the local community college, that had a plethora of apprenticeships advertised. so, over i went, introduced myself, and when the - very nice - lady asked what i was interested in, i said i wasn't sure of what was out there.
after discussing my interests, she told me about 'social media apprenticeships'. yep, you read right, social media. perfect or what? (pretty sure anyone who has a blog would be interest in that line of work). i gave her my contact details and later on received a phone call from her. not only were her thoughts of me flattering; "i thought you presented yourself very well", "the closing date is tomorrow but i think you'd be great for it", but she was incredibly helpful, she told me to sign up to a website that was basically the main hub of apprenticeships, and she told me of an upcoming apprenticeship that she thought i should apply for.

back in february, i applied for a place on a btec photography course, but it was already full and this is why i'm in such an uncertain position this year. i decided to reapply for next year, not being deterred by it, and after two phone calls to the college to ask where my letter was, i got home today to find a white envelope addressed to me from the college with an invitation for an interview. hopefully, due to the fact i have all the entry requirements for the course, i will get an unconditional offer for next september - good vibes would be appreciated! - and then i can stop worrying about making somewhat huge life decisions for two more years.
the main thing i'm focusing on now, is the fact i know i can get support if i need it and where to get it from. there is always something out there to better yourself and something you can do to get you on the career path you want to be on.

it may be a big bad world, but i'm just going to surround myself with the genuine, caring people and stay blissfully unaware of the negative nancy's and neil's of the world.

what is your outlook on life; negative nancy or positive polly? how did you get into the career (/path) you're currently on?

♡ 

p.s if you have any questions you'd like to ask me about anything i talked about (the support you can get/any tips i've learned from the course i went on) and you'd rather not leave it in the comments, please don't be shy, drop me an email: therosyfreckle@gmail.com and i'll be sure to get back to you! 

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