w o r k s p a c e.

so, my desk/workspace is looking a little different since i started college. for one of my assignments, i am focusing on where students study/work when they're at home. this is an experimental shot before i get stuck in to it next week.

on my mind: life.

over the past few months, my life seemed to get pretty interesting. i was making an effort to 'get up, have fun' and it was making my life more exciting, but towards the end of 2012, my life just got busy. and repetitive. and i feel like i began to lose the blogging mojo i started out with.
i wanted to start a blog to document my life. what i did in my "gap year" and how i grew as a person. i've always struggled with feeling worthy, and i wanted therosyfreckle to be somewhere that i could let it out, have somewhere to let stuff out, a place to put things that inspired me, or things that i liked or aspired to have. i feel that so far, i have done that, recently more sharing things i like rather than what's on my mind. mostly because my life got monotonous again. the days would pass by and i'd be looking at interior design websites and looking at other peoples photographs and enjoying their work, but not creating my own. i started dwelling on what my life was becoming - minuscule.
but for the last months of 2012, i made a conscious effort to look for a church. to find somewhere that was friendly and warm and full of people of a variety of ages. mostly, i just wanted to find somewhere i felt at home. somewhere i felt comfortable. somewhere i felt myself. and knowing me, that's no easy feat. i'm shy and anxious and i worry about what other people think of me. it made going to a church for the first time alone incredibly daunting. i was trying to pluck up the courage to go to two local churches, but every saturday night i'd chicken out and tell myself i'd go next week. then, one saturday night i googled 'churches in liverpool' and came across the diocese of liverpool website listing all the churches in the diocese.
i opened a few that caught my eye in separate tabs and began to flick through them. i came across one that wasn't anything special, not as many pictures as the others, nothing fancy. but it felt like somewhere i wanted to be. it was open, friendly and welcoming. 'how can you get all that from a website' one might ask, but i guess it just spoke to me. the next day, i decided to go. the service time was perfect, late afternoon, but not too late that i'd be too tired to go. the feeling i had walking up the path was something i've never felt before. i work myself up when it comes to social situations, i fear the worst, and i anticipated the nerves to rush over me and riddle me with fear. but they didn't. yes, i was still nervous. but at the same time, i felt like i was being cuddled, taken care of. as i walked to the door, i was greeted and taken inside, every person i was introduced to was so friendly and welcoming, they didn't quiz me about my faith, they just asked my name and if i came from liverpool. the service was good. it was interesting and i actually sang out loud, like, i didn't mouth the words, i sang them. i felt happy. afterwards, i was invited to have tea and teacakes. people talked to me, chatting and getting to know me, and i went home relieved. relieved i had done it, i had gone alone and i had stayed. i had talked to people and made conversation, i didn't let the anxiety overwhelm my fulfilment. and i went home and told my mum all about it. and for the first time in probably ever, i couldn't wait until the following sunday.
this sunday was probably better. the people were still friendly, they asked how my week had been, and i got on really well with a girl who was also new to the church. the service was probably the best part, though. i've never had the experience of being truly touched by a sermon, but i really felt something. it made me realise that the decision to try out this church really was right and it's where i'm meant to be.
it's funny really, now that i've found church, work has started to get better. because i'm happier in myself, i've started to be less shy and more positive about work. i've always been grateful, but i've never enjoyed work. it bored me and my mind wasn't stimulated. but i started focusing on what i could do to pass the time - organise clothes, not only in my section, but also in the main shop - and it's made work so much more bearable. i've started coming out of my shell and i'm not afraid to get involved in a conversation in the staff room. of course, it's never going to be amazingly interesting, and i'm never going to be able to bug a customer into buying a top they're not really sure about, but i'm utilising my skills and doing something useful with the time.
now, all i need is to start my course - more pestering the college on the phone, then. honestly, i can't get a straight answer out of anyone, they just don't seem to care. but i'm not letting it stress me out or ruin this positive vibe i've got going recently. i'm handling it, i will have phoned pretty much every day this week by tomorrow and i will not give up til i have got my timetable and i'm in a classroom studying photography like i planned last year.
things will work out, even if it's not according to my plan, it'll be according to the right plan.

♡

good news.

if you follow me on instagram or twitter, you will know that i got a conditional offer from college to study photography starting in january. a few weeks ago, i posted about getting a letter for an interview, and at that interview, i was asked if i wanted to take the place of someone who had dropped out in the course that leads onto the course i was applying for. as i wouldn't lose anything from doing it - i would actually be gaining a qualification - i was eager to take up the offer and the tutor let me decide when i wanted to start. i decided to begin in january because it would be the start of term and i wouldn't start and then have a two week break and then go back.

at the beginning of last week, i still hadn't heard anything and started to get rather worried, but on friday i got a letter in the post containing a conditional offer for the course.
the relief of knowing where my life is heading now is so nice. i had a smile on my face for the rest of the day, because to be honest, i've been feeling pretty down recently - stuck in a rut in some way - and a direction for my life is exactly what i need.
i'm looking forward to getting up in the morning and going somewhere and learning and socialising - however anxious it will make me - and putting things i've learnt into action at nurturing my skills in photography.

in all honesty, i have never believed i have a talent in photography. i have always enjoyed it, and i spend so much time seeing something and wishing i would be able to capture it - mainly when driving. i am so grateful to have to opportunity to gain knowledge in this field and maybe become good at photography and in the process finally figure out what i'd like to do with my life.

happy holidays to you all, whatever you may celebrate. 

♡ 

i'm going to be a student again!!

if you read my post 'the flick of a switch' you know about my situation this year and my plans for next/the future. anyway, today i had an interview to get on a photography btec course in the local college, so i left work and went up there. we were taken up to the room where they were going to give us a talk and then individually interview us. i'm so used to being the youngest in education settings; being born in august, but today i was the second oldest - there was also a middle aged man - and literally everyone - bar the man, of course - was with their mum. seriously, i have never felt so old in my life. 

anyway, i ended up going last because everyone else seemed to need to be somewhere (and i didn't mind being away from work for longer ;)) and the woman asked me what i was doing this year - seeing that i was 18 - and when i told her i only had a little part time job, she asked if i'd be interested in doing the level 2 btec, starting 'like now' and then go on to level 3 (which i applied for) in september like planned. honestly, i didn't even think about the fact i'd have a join a class that is already full of friendship groups, i just went for it. we decided that i'd start at the beginning of january, being a new term and all that, and she said that she'd help me to catch up with the two units i've missed.

she said my portfolio - aka a scrap book from paperchase and a description of each image next to it - was really good and she showed it to another teacher, that had come into the room about halfway through my interview. they both seemed really excited for me to be starting and the head of level 2 said she would email me with all the details. 

i think the fact i don't mind having to join a class later in the year and have to fit in with readymade friendship groups really shows how much i've changed in the past few months. really, i know i will be nervous the night before my first day, but the fact i'm not worrying about it, or even that it's not stopped me - which it would have not even six months ago - proves how i'm starting to slowly get over my anxiety, even if it does still knock me to the ground sometimes.

you don't even understand how grateful i am that everything is finally falling into place and it's proved to me that determination and persistance will get you there in the end if you want it enough. 

what's something that's made your week brighter?

♡

p.s yes, i know, another dog photo, but seriously, the fact it looks like a swaddled babies body and then a dog's head makes me howl. he's the best.